Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Randomize
