i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
