Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
