i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
