so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
