Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
