I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Randomize
