just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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