Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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