My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize