So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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