Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Randomize
