So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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