Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
So much Jack, so little girl.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
