Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
