you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
