Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Randomize