youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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