well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
