Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Can I color on your dick again?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
