I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
You ruined the universe
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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