mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
