I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Randomize
