I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
