I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
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