I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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