We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
