I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize