i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
