i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Randomize
