when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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