Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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