this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Randomize