The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
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