Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
