and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
