My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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