FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize