I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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