i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
