I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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