yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
