Sponge bath it is.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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