well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
