Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
