She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
