I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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