I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
