there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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