But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize