I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
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