I feel like abortions should bother me more
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
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