thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
