Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
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