do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
