If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
